So today was my lovely best friend Holly’s 21st. I have only known her for two years when I met her towards the end of my first year at uni but she very quickly became basically like an extra limb. She totally gets me and my weirdnesses (is that even a real word) and I absolutely adore her.
I was meant to be out in my home town with her and our other friends from University clubbing but instead I am tucked up in bed in my fluffy white dressing gown with ears on the hood. And while I am cosy and calm I am also sad. Because once again, anxiety won.
I try my very hardest not to let the little voices in my mind win but more often than not they do and last night it seemed not even my tiny round ‘helper’ friends couldn’t quiet the madness to the point where I ended up hysterical at midnight on the phone to my boyfriend crying about the fact that I couldn’t face going clubbing and that Holly would hate me forever.
As a result, I did go into Uni and I surprised my lovely friend with presents and bucksfizz and bought decorations for her house and generally just spent time with her AND SHE DIDN’T HATE ME and we had a great time 🙂 but I am missing out on a fun night of dressing up and dancing because my anxiety was too much.
I know that it’s just a night out or whatever, but to me it’s more of a symbol of the fact that I may not be as ‘normal’ a student as I’d like to be but actually thats totally fine. Going for nights out and drinking isn’t actually what being a student is all about. Although I will definitely beat myself up about this and I will feel like crap tomorrow but actually my bessie mate will still have a brill night whether I’m there or not and you know what? It doesn’t. matter. It’s just a night out and there will be plenty more.
Just to let you know, if you suffer with anxiety too – it is okay. You will be fine, and sometimes it’s alright to give in to it!
Anxiety may have won this time, but I’ll be back for another round soon and if I lose that one too – then I’ll get back up and try again.
Stay strong if you’re struggling with anxiety this eve, don’t beat yourself up and remember,
you are absolutely fine, whatever!