I’m not pleased to be writing this post, for obvious reasons, but writing has proven to be very therapeutic for me and I like to be open as much as possible!
I’ve had anxiety for literally as long as I can remember. I had it as a child for a while and it went away, I won’t go into why I had it as a child but don’t let your imagination run too wild – it wasn’t sinister and I had an extremely happy childhood! I’m pleased to be able to say that as I know others that didn’t and I treasure my happy life as a child.
It then stayed away throughout secondary school, THANK GOODNESS, because I couldn’t have coped with GCSE’s and school trips etc with it. So if you had any form of mental health through school and survived- I salute you!
But then, after my rocky uni start with the dropping out and the changing my mind, it came back. But as I was young when I first experienced anxiety and was unaware that I had it, it was essentially the first time. It was awful.. It soon turned into depression, as it so often does and it took me over a year to begin to recover.
Since then, it never really went away. I had brief periods of time when I met Joey where I had some relief from it which was lovely. We went to the Isle of Wight music festival for three days with friends, took day trips to London, went to concerts etc. However, it gradually snuck back into my life bringing new fears with it. I suddenly found that I couldn’t eat out in restaurants or peoples houses, I didn’t want to go clubbing anymore, even lectures became difficult to attend. I couldn’t go on any public transport for fear of being stuck or being sick/panicking in public. It was rubbish. Luckily, I had my studies, friends/family and of course Joey to distract me and keep me going and my Doctor also helped with counselling.
Then I met my current counsellor (who is incredible) and got a great work experience placement which gave me my confidence back and gave me the chance to show who I am without the anxiety. So again for around 3 months I was feeling good! I was excited for things to come and content and felt fairly level! I was doing so well – eating out, going on days out etc that I decided to book a holiday to Barcelona.
I felt fine until 3 days before I was due to go on the trip and something just snapped. I was gripped with fear. It was terrifying – it was like a throwback to the early days of my anxiety and panic where I would just go into hysterics. Crying, struggling to breathe, feeling nauseous – the usual… I couldn’t get myself out of it! I tried for another day but decided to cancel the trip.
I was so disappointed with myself and felt guilt that I’d let my travel companion down and beat myself up for days; which then became weeks. Now, I am getting there. I still feel heavy and tired but I’ve been assured that it’s the comedown from the panic attacks but I hate not feeling like myself!
I ended up having an anxiety attack at a family meal this week and leaving early, which was horrible but I’ve drawn a line under it and I won’t let it stop me going to restaurants – I’ve promised myself!
Anyway, I just wanted to write this post as a way of getting it onto paper and out of my head! I haven’t let it totally win so far – still going to work, I went to a wedding reception and the cinema in the past week so thats positive!
Heres to hopefully feeling better soon and putting this behind me for now! I know anxiety doesn’t go away forever, but I know that it comes in waves and that is something which I’m prepared for!